Our Life is Never Next To Nothing

The Blame Game, a reflection.

I came from a family below the poverty line which inherently forced me to deal with life issues at an early age.

I used to be a scavenger at night when I was in second grade, I was 8 or 9 years old then. The little money, less than 1 USD, I earned will feed me for tomorrow’s school.

After a night of work, I would go home and find my father drunk. This happens almost every night. When he is drunk, he turns verbally, sometimes physically, abusive.

“I had some pretty terrible parents who did hideous things to me. I used to believe I was doomed to an awful life because of them…”

Danielle Davis

I can relate to this, though not parents but only my father. My mother passed away when I was three.

At an early age, I have heard things a child should never hear—all the imaginable nasty words. Also, I have seen things a child should never see—how to do drugs (methamphetamine) and what happens during sex.

My father cannot support my education too. As soon as I turn 18, I look for a job. I don’t want to end up a drunkard and abusive like he did.

When I was starting college, he wished me to fail school and stop. He believed I do not have a good future, and I am not destined for good things in life.

When I was preparing to get my license, he wished me to fail the exam. It made me mentally disturbed and disabled me to concentrate for some time.

He also said, many times, “Sana mamatay ka na!” (Translation: I hope you die!)

Despite all these, I finished engineering after 9 years, and I am now a licensed engineer.

Even if my father is terrible who so made many memories of my life terrible too, it doesn’t necessarily mean my life is next to nothing.

“When you start to become aware of things in your life WITHOUT assigning blame, it is like having a superpower.”

Danielle Davis

I used to live with so much pain in my heart and hatred against my terrible father. But having to know him somehow helped me to discern the good from the bad.

So, growing up with my terrible father taught me two things: one, do not become a father if I do not know what the word parent means; two, carry my own cross.

Becoming a parent is a responsibility, a big and important responsibility. I have so much on my plate and becoming a parent is not yet practical. I need to become stable in many aspects: moral, emotional, financial. And I need to learn how to love myself properly first. So when I meet someone, I would know how I would love and treat her in a proper way.

I learned how to carry my own cross. I learned to take up the responsibility for my own life, play the cards of my own life, and face bigger giants of my own life. And still learning. If I were not to know these, I know exactly how I would end up.

Again, no matter how terrible our life situation is, it does not necessarily mean our life is next to nothing.

The Blame Game was written by Danielle Davis on Pointless Overthinking.
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